Everyone’s process is different…
but many of us experience similar (and very normal) feelings as we transition through a major break-up or divorce. These feelings, such as anger, fear, anxiety and grief can be crippling, especially in the beginning of the divorce process. Often they come in waves and threaten to overwhelm us. My goal is to provide strategies to help you manage the emotional ups (and yes, there can be ups) and downs that accompany this major life change.
Did you know…
the way you THINK about your divorce or break-up has more impact on your experience than anything that exists outside of you? Divorce is considered to be one of life’s most stressful events - ranked right up there with the death of a loved one and being diagnosed with a debilitating disease. The reason for this lies partly in how we have been conditioned to THINK about divorce. Common thoughts about ourselves might be that we are failures, or that we are incapable (or undeserving) of having a healthy relationship. These thoughts, compounded with the uncertainty of how your life (and your children’s life) will change, are often the reason WHY divorce is so stressful. My goal is to create awareness of your thoughts and how they may be negatively impacting your recovery. Once identified, these thoughts can be challenged and a new, more accurate narrative can emerge.
Grieving is a job…
that must be done. Grieving is our brain’s way of re-calibrating after a major loss - loss of a partner, family as you knew it, and of course, loss of a future you may have always envisioned for yourself and your children. Grieving is the process of slowly letting go after we have remained so attached to someone, some thing, or some vision for your life. Attempting to distract ourselves from this vitally important process only leaves us stuck and unable to move forward with our lives. My goal is to provide guidance and support as you move through grief in a productive way.
Old Patterns die hard…
and one of the most crucial parts of divorce recovery is understanding what went wrong in the relationship and how we may have contributed, even passively. Really, what’s the point of going through such a painful experience if we don’t learn something from it? This is truly the liquid gold of the divorce process - we work together to identify destructive communication patterns and how to do it differently in future relationships. Based on this, we also identify what characteristics you may now value in a potential new partner.
You might be divorced but your ex-partner is still in the picture…
for the foreseeable future if you have children together. And, in most cases, the difficult communication dynamics you struggled with in the marriage don’t just disappear after divorce. My goal is to help you change these patterns so you can have a more productive co-parenting relationship, even with a high-conflict ex-partner. (And yes, change can happen when only one person is modifying their behavior.)
Kids are resilient, to a point.
When we decide to divorce our partner our kids begin their own journey of grieving the loss of their family as they knew it. The number one predictor of how a child will fare after a divorce is how parents manage conflict and how each person regulates feelings about their ex. In most cases, conflict is inevitable, especially soon after separation when emotions are still running high. Children suffer greatly when outward bitterness and conflict exists between parents. They often feel trapped in the middle, forced to witness the two people they love the most hurt each other. Even something as simple as asking your child to deliver a message to your ex because you would rather not speak to them causes children anxiety. My goal is to help you avoid the pitfalls of parenting after divorce and discover ways you can support your kids in their grief at any age.
What’s next?
When am I ready to date again? What kind of person am I looking for? How do I want this new life to be for myself and my children? Divorce moves us into a new phase of life whether we like it or not. My goal is to help you shape this new phase with intention and purpose. We begin by identifying your values by exploring what's important to you in all aspects of life, including work, relationships and parenting. We then create a vision for your future – what do you want your life to be in 5 years? Lastly, we develop the steps to help you get there.